She spoke quickly, “I can’t today, I’m going to pick up my dress and..”
“I thought you did that Tuesday?”, I interrupted.
“No, I had the final fitting Tuesday. The seamstress had to adjust one last thing before the dress was ready for pickup.”
“Okay, so after that..”
“After that, me and Enya are meeting her mom for lunch and going to the venue to set up the rest of the decorations. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and tomorrow is just going to be crazy. Hair, makeup, pictures…”
“I’ll just catch up with you later then.”, I sighed. “Have a good time.”
This is fucking absurd!
I have been trying all week to get some time with her so I can make things right. Whatever that was that happened Sunday evening has been haunting me and I can’t even get a moment with her to talk about it…or apologize…or something. I don’t even really know what to say because I’m not even sure what happened.
One moment I was in control, ready to tell her how I feel. The next moment I was lost in the curves of her lips, wanting nothing more than to just… just grabbing her and kissing her wasn’t exactly how I planned for that to go…is that why I hesitated?
You fucking idiot.
That is a terrible reason if it’s true.
I headed out to the shore and cast my line, hoping that one of my favorite past-times would help clear my head.
The opposite happened as the events of the week flashed before me. I did get a chance to see her Wednesday afternoon. I went over under the pretense of working on her lawn, and it concerns me that I even needed that for her to agree to see me. Is she avoiding me?
“Thanks for doing that, it looks much better”
“Yeah, no problem. Hey listen..”
“Oh speaking of problems, you will not believe some of the stuff we have been dealing with this week. Like just yesterday Enya realized that the caterer had the time wrong! Can you imagine how horrible that would be if they showed up an hour late for the reception?”
All I could do was stare. It’s as if some sort of wedding demon has possessed her. It’s not even her wedding. And how the hell can there be so much to do in one week when you’ve had all summer to plan?
“…and I still have not written my speech. I really have no idea what to say. I plan to do that this evening. I think if I don’t do it tonight I might not get another chance.”
Tell me about it…
“I’m sure whatever you say will be fine. Nessie, I really want to..”
Interrupted again, this time it’s her phone.
“Hold on a second, sorry.”
“Oh my God, I told her there wouldn’t be enough! I told her they would run out of supplies for the favors but she insisted it would be fine. Now she wants me to go get more and drop them off.”
“And you have to do it right this second?”
“Well yeah, they are working on them right now and I can’t just bail on her.”
I can’t really be mad at her since she is just doing what she is supposed to do, I guess, being the maid of honor and all. I did this to myself.
Why is it so hard to just tell her?
The question burned in my mind. I’ve asked out girls before. What is the big deal?
I thought about Ava. It was easy to ask her out, she hardly gave me a choice. She practically threw herself at me, not that I minded at all. But we both knew what it was, we knew it wouldn’t last and that was fine.
Morida. It was instant attraction, hot and heavy. She wanted me to propose. I thought about it, but I just couldn’t see it happening. As time went on and no proposal came, she became increasingly upset. I remember the night I knew it was over. I had been checking in with Nessie and when I visited Morida afterwards she was having a fit over it.
“She is not your responsibility. You need to let go and move on with your life. You keep making excuses and I know they are because of her.” She said ‘her’ with such contempt.”You haven’t even gone to college yet…why? You can only take so many ‘gap’ years. It’s clear that you are stalling.”
She was right, I had been making excuses. After our breakup I enrolled in college. Nessie was able to take care of herself pretty well by then and it was time for me to make some progress in my life, but she was always in the back of my mind.
So what am I afraid of? It is obvious I can’t imagine life without her.
My phone buzzed, breaking me from my thoughts.
It’s Kilian. He lives in Riverview and was in the graduate program when I started and we had become good friends over the years.
“Hey”, I answered.
“So tell me, is it gonna be a double wedding tomorrow or what?”
“Definitely not.” I chuckled. “I haven’t even said anything yet.”
“What the…fuck, man!!”, He erupted. “It’s all you could fucking talk about and then you couldn’t even do it? I had to listen to your pining for months and just when I think you would end my suffering you puss out.”
I couldn’t help a laugh, “I wasn’t pining.”
I had only really talked about her a few times, Kilian has a flair for the dramatic.
“You were pining.”, he insisted. “Like a lovesick preteen girl. I feel like I already know this chick, you wouldn’t shut up about her.
So what happened?”
“I don’t know man, I kinda…freaked out and now everything is all weird. I mean, I had her right there and I just froze. I just- ” all the excuses I’d made swirled in my head and ultimately the truth revealed itself. “I couldn’t stand the thought of her saying no. She had been acting kinda strange anyway and it threw me off a little. I mean, if she says no then that’s it. It’s over. There is no way we could even be friends after something like that.”
Kilian sighed, “Man, you are thinking too much. I mean, what? Are you going to just be her friend forever then? I can tell you that she is sure as hell not gonna stay single forever. So then you are going to be this creepy pseudo-father figure who stares at her ass when nobody is looking.”
“Fuck you, Kilian!”, I joked.
He burst out laughing and I joined him. But he’s right, dammit.
It’s all or nothing.
That thought prevailed in my head as I took my seat next to my parents. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, tonight is the night.
I glanced around and started understand why the girls had been so busy this week, the place is transformed. And I’m pretty sure Enya invited the whole town.
I was reading a program absently when the music started up. Her mother, his father and step-mother, his mother and step-father; they all walked and took their seats.
I started feeling impatient. I appreciate the tradition of a wedding ceremony, but they can get really boring. Mostly, it’s just that this ceremony is- and has been all week- delaying me from what I want to do.
The music changed slightly and my breath caught in my chest as I caught sight of her midnight blue hair, pulled up to expose her neck.
The cut of the dress revealing her shoulders and back, the fabric clinging to her curves as she walked. I like her other dress, but I daresay I like this one better.
As she reached the front and turned to face the crowd, her eyes searched the floor and then the ceiling refusing to acknowledge all the people watching her. I couldn’t look away. Finally her eyes scanned the audience and stopped on me, then immediately she averted her gaze while her cheeks flushed.
Like a magnet, her eyes met mine again. This time she didn’t look away. I smiled at her, she started to smile back.
Then someone stood up in front of me.
Mom tapped my shoulder, gesturing for me to stand. Enya was walking down the aisle with her father.
I stifled a laugh thinking about how I had completely forgotten about the bride. I glanced at Nessie and she saw my amusement and smiled, giving me an inquiring look.
I shook my head and she eyed me shrewdly.
As the wedding continued, my mind was occupied with how I would handle the evening. I’m not sure what I will say or how to begin, I’m just hoping the right words will come to me in the moment.
All I know is I have to tell her and there is no room for doubt, I have to commit to tonight being the night that our relationship is changed forever. For better or worse.