“I love you, too.” I reply, unable to stop the smile that spread across my lips.
We have been trying to say goodbye for the last hour, but this time I really need to go. I’ve got homework to do!
We disconnect and I sit down at my computer to do my required reading. Tomorrow is Friday and my first assignment is due, and I haven’t really been focusing much this week.
The words I’m reading just bounce off my eyes as my mind wanders. My lips tingle at the memory of his touch. My skin grows warm remembering his hands on me, and the feel of his body against mine.
As much as I want him, I’m not ready for that level of intimacy. Or at least I don’t think I am, my body seems to tell me a different story.
But isn’t it too soon? It’s only been a few days. I suppose it is fortunate he is not in town so I don’t really have to worry about it.
I force myself to focus on the screen. Just as I’m finally absorbing some information my phone buzzes.
A text from Hugh:
I giggle at the simple message and realize that I’m probably going to fail this class.
Despite my lack of productivity, my week alone has been a nice reprieve. I’ve gotten a lot of time to think and unwind from the craziness that was last week. I’ve also had some time to do a little planning in preparation for the arrival of my parents, which brings it’s own kind of stress.
I did tell them that Hugh and I are together, which they were pleased to learn. My mother mentioned she thought he might have a thing for me.
I’d never thought her to be so observant regarding my life.
I have really been trying to push those kinds of thoughts away. This is our new start, I have to give up my hold on the past feelings, the resentment. It is hard though, to resist the urge to ice over when talk gets too personal. But that is what this visit is all about, the rekindling of our relationship.
My work forgotten, I lean back in my chair and gaze out the windows. How many times I have retreated to that lawn chair and watched dragonflies buzz over the glassy water of the lake, wondering if those I thought about were thinking about me.
The memories stir old feelings, and tears prick my eyes as the feelings swirl inside me along with my new-found hope. Their collision ebbing away at my cautious optimism, placing me somewhere in between and I realize that I am nervous as hell.
A new relationship, starting school, my parents….so many opportunities and so many chances to screw up. Nothing has truly changed yet. What if they get here and we have nothing to talk about? I have made some plans but they will be here for a month, that is a lot of free time.
I get up from my chair and start pacing.
What if I lose my temper and make a mess of it all, and they want to leave early? Despite their assurances that things will be different, my anger and frustration is still simmering just beneath the surface and I don’t know how to deal with it. I want to stop being angry, but I can’t just will it away.
I inhale sharply, trying to beat back the tears with my fluttering eyelids, but fail as I exhale into a sob. Maybe it is the anxiety, or relief, guilt, hormones….or a combination of those things but I can’t hold it all in.
Throwing myself onto the couch, I glance toward my phone wanting to call Enya. She always knows what to do, but then what do I even have to say right now? I would be calling to complain about how everything is finally going right for me? No.
A reluctant smile emerges as I remember her outburst when I told her about me and Hugh.
“Only you of all people, Nessie, could fall asleep while the man of your dreams is right there.”
Heh, Man of my dreams, how apt.
I could call Hugh, but this is all stuff we have talked about already. The poor guy won’t want to hear my emotional rambling. No, I don’t want to talk. I want him here so he can hold me.
I hug myself, feeling pathetic for managing to still feel lonely even after getting what I want.
A few minutes pass and I sit up, staring out at the water through the window.
Snap out of it!
Annoyed with myself I head to the restroom to splash the dried tears from my face. I’m letting old memories get the best of me. It’s just stress and being alone in the house all week, but come Monday everything will be different. I know it will, I can feel it.
“So stop having your little pity party, and do your homework.” I command to my reflection.
My optimism and I return to the computer. No more distractions!
With uncanny timing- just as I am getting into my reading- my phone buzzes.
Warmth spreads through my chest as I silently chide myself for my brief break down.
Nessie, you will never be alone as long as you have him.
Note: Sorry this is so short, the next chapter will be longer! 🙂