Same ‘ol song and dance

Heh, yeah I’m still here. I’m still not done with this story but I can tell you honestly right now that making poses is what killed my motivation! It’s a lot of damn work. Still though, I’ve been in a pose-making mood lately so….maybe? I’m gonna open up blender today and see if I remember what I’m doing in there.

So keep yer eyes peeled. 😉

Also, sorry for not posting since May. >.> There is a Skyrim fanfic that I really like that has also not posted since May and I still check on it from time to time hoping against hope for an update. Sorry if I did that to anyone.

 

Chapter 12: Homesick

 

Author Note: This chapter is a departure from the normal format, the text is the lyrics of the song linked just below. I hope it is not too confusing.

 Fair warning: Graphic Content!!

——————–

Everything around me seems so much different than where I’m from
And at this rate I think my fate’s been sealed
This life’s so unpredictable

We’ll go continue to live a life that no one knows
Where’s this gonna go?

———————————-

Right here, right now
This is the beginning of the end
And I won’t sing one single thing until we can get this right
I’m moving on
I’m moving on

Hey mom, I wrote you some soft songs
And tell dad I’m just fine
We had to choose
We made our moves
And now we got to go, go

Everything about me seemed so much different when I was young
I couldn’t wait to take my place
The years have passed
Good God have I been gone?

So why, I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life
Time’s not on my side

Right here, right now
This is the beginning of the end
And I won’t sing one single thing until we can get this right
I’m moving on
I’m moving on

Hey mom, I wrote you some soft songs
And tell dad I’m just fine
We had to choose
We made our moves
And now we got to go

And why’s this make me so nervous?
Why does everything go wrong?
Why’s this make me so nervous?
Why does everything go wrong?

I’m holding onto a fairytale

We’re moving forward but we’re not there yet

I’m holding on to a fairytale
We’re moving forward
we’re moving forward

I’m holding onto a fairytale
We’re moving forward but we’re not there yet

I’m holding on to a fairytale
We’re moving forward, we’re moving forward

Hey mom, I wrote you some soft songs
And tell dad I’m just fine
We had to choose
We made our moves
And now we got to go

And why’s this make me so nervous?
(You make me so, you make me so)
Why does everything go wrong?

——————————-

Why’s this make me so nervous?
(You make me so, you make me so)
Why does everything go wrong?

Hello…

 

*peeks head in*

Hi, everyone. So this story is not dead, it’s just been kinda dead the last…couple…months or something. I don’t know, I hit a major writer’s block. I have a lot to work from actually, and the next two chapters are both pretty well rounded at this point, but I really lost it when I couldn’t come up with a rough draft ending. Not knowing the ending really threw me off of my path.

It also doesn’t help that my schedule has been changing a lot lately, and the time that I had alone to write and work on pictures has been much more limited. I think that it might be better now, though. I am going to shoot for getting the next chapter out sometime in the next week, and I’m going to brainstorm like crazy about the ending and at least try and come up with a few options that can lead me somewhere.

I already feel better having posted something here and just talking about it. It’s hard to write, and especially for me I guess. I admire those of you that can pump out so much great work in a relatively short time-span. But everyone is different.

I apologize for disappearing like I did, and of course it was after such an emotional chapter. >.< Surprise cliff-hanger ending! NOT.

Okay, enough rambling. Here is a preview for the next chapter.

Chapter 11: Splinter

Monday:

RIIIIIIING
The sound of my phone startles me from sleep. I check the time.
2:15 AM
RIIIIIIIING

I pick up my phone, checking who on earth is calling me. It’s my mother.
“Hello.” I greet nervously.
“Hugh, honey,  Oh thank God you answered.” Her voice is thick with emotion. “Something terrible has happened.”
————-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I’m awakened by an urgent knocking. I sit up confused, wondering who it could be at… 5:45 in the morning.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I jump out of bed and head for the door. As I pass the window I catch sight of Hugh…
What’s he doing here?

…I pause- and Robert and Helen.
I can tell by the looks on their faces it is something serious. My stomach churns as I reach for the doorknob.

A shiver runs through me when I touch the metal.
I don’t want to know
For a moment I consider pretending I’m not here. It is irrational, they know I’m here…but I don’t want to be.
and I was so close…

I hear Helen’s voice as I turn the knob, “Nessie, please, open the door.”
I catch her eyes first, and the look she’s giving me, I know this is bad and I know it is about my parents.
I step back slowly as Hugh moves toward me.

“Hugh…”, his name comes out like a plea.

He clasps my shoulders, “Nessie, you should sit.”
Panic rises in my throat, he won’t look at me. “Hugh, what happened?”, I beg as he guides  me to the foyer chair; I sit. “Where are they?”

His eyes dart briefly to mine as he kneels in front of me. I feel Helen’s hand on my shoulder, Robert is holding her other hand, a grave look on his face.
I get it…
I start to feel light-headed.

“Your parents…Nessie…they were in an accident. The plane, it went down…they didn’t survive.”
The room starts to spin.
“They’re gone.”

Gone.

———————

I finally muster the courage to look at her face. Her eyes are glazed over, her breathing becoming ragged. I have no idea what to do.

My mother reaches out to stroke her hair.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart” She whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Nessie’s face begins to contort, her eyes clear, tears spilling over so heavily they just drop straight into her lap. The sight sparks a fury inside me. I would do anything to stop this, anything to protect her from pain, but I am helpless.

A tortured sob escapes from her throat and she leans forward to slide onto the floor. I catch her in an embrace and she clutches to me as if for dear life. She bawls into my shoulder, catching intermittent breaths, her body heaving, and I can’t….I tried to be strong but tears escape from my eyes, running down the bridge of my nose and peppering the back of her shirt.

A few minutes pass, dead silence except for the sound of sniffling and the occasional whimper. I notice now that my parents are no longer in the room and I am thankful for the privacy.

I gently lift her head so I can look at her, with some effort she lifts her eyes to mine and the suffering I see in them constricts my breath. Her lip quivers as fresh tears retrace the lines on her face. I kiss both her cheeks; the sensation is wet, sticky, and salty.

“I love you, Nessie. I love you, I love you” I kiss the corner of her down turned mouth. I want to tell her everything will be ok, but how can I? Her world has just been shattered. The need to reassure her overwhelms me though, I need her to know she is safe.
“You are not alone. Ok? You’re not alone.”

Her eyes scrunch up as a she takes a shaky breath. She looks as if she wants to say something, but instead she purses her lips and shakes her head.

My mother enters the room, “Nessie, how about we move you to your bed?”, she asks gently.

Nessie shifts her eyes toward mom’s direction, then to me, keeping her head low. Like a small child she wipes the back of her hand across her nose, sniffling. Almost imperceptibly, she nods her head.

I stand and help her to her feet as my mom enters the bedroom to prepare the bed. After a couple wary steps Nessie halts, her mouth opens and closes as she tries to speak. Her breathing accelerates as she forces words to form.

“N-n-o…no…no…no” She coughs the word between gasping breaths, her body tense, knees buckling. I try to hold her up, panicking. “Nessie…” I hiss, trying to get her attention.

Suddenly, my dad is by my side. “Son, lower her down gently. ” He says in a controlled voice. “Hold her head.” He directs. I do what he says.

“Nessie, listen to me.” He states loudly, placing one hand on her stomach and using the other to push her hair from her forehead. “Concentrate, slow down. Hear me?”

“Nessie, breathe!” I insist.

She doesn’t respond, just continues to take shallow rasping breaths, one hand gripping my arm. Her eyes roll backward and I hear my dad still speaking.

He shakes his head slightly, “She’s going to…”

She goes limp.

“…pass out.”

He sighs heavily.”Well, at least she can breathe now.”, he says tenderly, caressing her smooth forehead and I notice his hand shaking. I hear my mom crying.

I cradle Nessie’s head in my lap, her face could almost pass for serene if not for the tear stains.

“Dad” I look at him helplessly, “I don’t know how to make this better.”

His mouth is pressed in a grim line as he places his hand on my shoulder, giving an encouraging squeeze. “She is going to be fine, everything will be fine. Just be there for her. That is all we can do.

Come on, let’s move her.”

——————————

Black fades to gray and my nose picks up his familiar and comforting scent.

Light breaks through the gray haze and I feel the warmth of his arms around me. I open my eyes. They feel dry and my lids scrape like sandpaper as I blink, looking around the room.

Hugh feels me move and rouses. “Hey.” He whispers, giving a ghost of a smile.

“Hey.” I respond, pushing my brows together as I remember why he is here.

I lay my head on his chest, feeling slight relief at the tears stinging my parched eyes. “It’s real, isn’t it.”

“Yeah” He confirms quietly, drawing circles on my back with his fingers.

“Tell me.” I want to know what happened to them, where they are, and who else has been affected. They died in a plane crash; I assume there were a lot of casualties.

“Um, well…it was a small plane. Four seater. Just your parents and another couple, the Merrins, they owned the plane.”

The Merrins, I had heard about them. They would take my parents out to many of the really remote areas, or help transport supplies. As far as I know, mom and dad had flown dozens of times with them.

Hugh continued, “All we know is that they were heading toward the airport at Shang Simla to catch their international flight, but something went wrong. Their…they were recovered…and your parents will be returned home.”

His choice of words struck me….will be returned home….

I sit up, “I have to go to the restroom.”

I shove myself off the bed and make my way from the room.

They aren’t coming home, they are being returned.

My pace quickens as I hear the bed creak behind me and Hugh’s voice, “Nes, wait.”

Rushing into the bathroom, I lock the door and crumple into the corner.

Oh, the cruel irony that is my life. Arin and Nellie Lochlan housed orphans, creating an orphan in the process. I guess I should be grateful, really; they treated me just like they treated the kids, visiting on occasion, making sure things were in order. I suppose, in reality, I have hundreds of brothers and sisters.

I chuckle morosely at the absurdity of that thought.

Then I remember my mother being welcomed by the children at the orphanage and I realize the full scope of it. I’ve stolen them. I asked for more, pulled them away from the work they loved, and now…now it all ends. We’ve all lost our parents.

I thrust my hands into my hair and ball them up, pulling at the roots. Why did I have to be so selfish?

“Nessie…”, Hugh says quietly from other side of the door. “Please come out.”

I almost had everything I wanted. And him, he says he loves me and I believe he means it, but how can I know that won’t change? How can I know- when so far everything I reach for crumbles away just before I can touch it?

I get up and head to the sink to run cool water on my fingers, dabbing my eyes to tame the redness. I stop once I glance in the mirror.

What’s the fucking point?

What’s the point when the tears are still streaming, when I am a hopeless case.

He just doesn’t realize it yet, but he will. And when he does I will have lost everything, just for wanting it.

Hi :)

Hey guys! I know I always do this, but I just feel like I should keep in touch. I’ve been working on poses like a madwoman and I’m about half-way through for the next chapter. I hope to get chapter 11 out this week, and I was hoping to get the next one out before Christmas but I am highly doubting the possibility of that. But I will be trying to get it done fairly quickly and then I’ll be back to playing my regular games for a bit while I polish up chapter 13.

So expect to hear from me again soon!

Chapter 10: Anticipation

“I love you, too.” I reply, unable to stop the smile that spread across my lips.
We have been trying to say goodbye for the last hour, but this time I really need to go. I’ve got homework to do!

We disconnect and I sit down at my computer to do my required reading. Tomorrow is Friday and my first assignment is due, and I haven’t really been focusing much this week.

The words I’m reading just bounce off my eyes as my mind wanders. My lips tingle at the memory of his touch. My skin grows warm remembering his hands on me, and the feel of his body against mine.

As much as I want him, I’m not ready for that level of intimacy. Or at least I don’t think I am, my body seems to tell me a different story.
But isn’t it too soon? It’s only been a few days. I suppose it is fortunate he is not in town so I don’t really have to worry about it.

I force myself to focus on the screen. Just as I’m finally absorbing some information my phone buzzes.
A text from Hugh:
“;)”

I giggle at the simple message and realize that I’m probably going to fail this class.

Despite my lack of productivity, my week alone has been a nice reprieve. I’ve gotten a lot of time to think and unwind from the craziness that was last week. I’ve also had some time to do a little planning in preparation for the arrival of my parents, which brings it’s own kind of stress.
I did tell them that Hugh and I are together, which they were pleased to learn. My mother mentioned she thought he might have a thing for me.

I’d never thought her to be so observant regarding my life.

I have really been trying to push those kinds of thoughts away. This is our new start, I have to give up my hold on the past feelings, the resentment. It is hard though, to resist the urge to ice over when talk gets too personal. But that is what this visit is all about, the rekindling of our relationship.

My work forgotten, I lean back in my chair and gaze out the windows. How many times I have retreated to that lawn chair and watched dragonflies buzz over the glassy water of the lake, wondering if those I thought about were thinking about me.

The memories stir old feelings, and tears prick my eyes as the feelings swirl inside me along with my new-found hope. Their collision ebbing away at my cautious optimism, placing me somewhere in between and I realize that I am nervous as hell.

A new relationship, starting school, my parents….so many opportunities and so many chances to screw up. Nothing has truly changed yet. What if they get here and we have nothing to talk about? I have made some plans but they will be here for a month, that is a lot of free time.

I get up from my chair and start pacing.

What if I lose my temper and make a mess of it all, and they want to leave early? Despite their assurances that things will be different, my anger and frustration is still simmering just beneath the surface and I don’t know how to deal with it. I want to stop being angry, but I can’t just will it away.

I inhale sharply, trying to beat back the tears with my fluttering eyelids, but fail as I exhale into a sob. Maybe it is the anxiety, or relief, guilt, hormones….or a combination of those things but I can’t hold it all in.

Throwing myself onto the couch, I glance toward my phone wanting to call Enya. She always knows what to do, but then what do I even have to say right now? I would be calling to complain about how everything is finally going right for me? No.

A reluctant smile emerges as I remember her outburst when I told her about me and Hugh.
“Only you of all people, Nessie, could fall asleep while the man of your dreams is right there.”

Heh, Man of my dreams, how apt.

I could call Hugh, but this is all stuff we have talked about already. The poor guy won’t want to hear my emotional rambling. No, I don’t want to talk. I want him here so he can hold me.

I hug myself, feeling pathetic for managing to still feel lonely even after getting what I want.

A few minutes pass and I sit up, staring out at the water through the window.

Snap out of it!

Annoyed with myself I head to the restroom to splash the dried tears from my face. I’m letting old memories get the best of me. It’s just stress and being alone in the house all week, but come Monday everything will be different. I know it will, I can feel it.

“So stop having your little pity party, and do your homework.” I command to my reflection.

My optimism and I return to the computer. No more distractions!
With uncanny timing- just as I am getting into my reading- my phone buzzes.
Hugh again:
“<3 ^.^”

Warmth spreads through my chest as I silently chide myself for my brief break down.

Nessie, you will never be alone as long as you have him.

—————————

Note: Sorry this is so short, the next chapter will be longer! 🙂

Chapter 9: Intentions, Part 2

Throughout the evening, my eyes keep finding her. I participate absentmindedly in the idle chatter at the table, but I’m not really listening. I just want to watch her.

I want to know what she is thinking as she scans the room and sips champagne.

People start to fill the dance floor. She laughs while watching them, and blushes when Enya tries unsuccessfully to coax her to dance.

Soon she is alone and I’m on my feet.
————————————–

Just as I’m taking a sip of champagne I glance to where Hugh has been sitting all evening, and am shocked to see him half way to my table. I swallow painfully, because despite the drink my mouth has gone completely dry.

“Hi Nessie.” He greets as he leans over the table.
My voice nearly fails me but I manage to answer, “Hi”
“You look really beautiful.” His eyes scan me quickly as he speaks.

I look down at the table and I know my face must be ten shades of red by now, I put the glass of champagne to my lips.
Hugh gives me a lopsided smile and mischief twinkles in his eyes, “Do you remember that one time…” He says wistfully,”That you called me while you were drunk?”
Such a punk.

I  set the glass on the table and raise my chin defiantly, “Actually…I don’t” I state truthfully.
He laughs. “Well, I do. And you seemed to think that if I had been there that night I would have asked you to dance.”

My heart jump-starts and I can feel my pulse in my neck, my breath is shallow…he’s not…is he?

He extends his hand, “I’m here now.”
He is.

As if in a trance I put my hand in his and he leads me to a spot on the dance floor.
“I’m gonna step on your foot, you know that right?” I giggle nervously as I place my hand on his shoulder.
He shrugs, “I’m sure I can handle it.” I feel his other hand on my lower back and he applies slight pressure to pull me a little closer. Unable to look at him, I direct my eyes to the floor beside us.

I close my eyes as we move on the dance floor, the only parts of my body I can feel are the places he is touching. I can feel the heat of his body, like warm sand on a sunny day. I inhale, and  his scent takes me to the coast where the wind blows through my hair and the sound of waves crashing drowns out my busy thoughts, and I’m calm.

His voice pulls me from my reverie. “You’ve been a hard girl to get a hold of this week”, he said, smiling.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t ever want to be that busy again.” I replied, looking around the reception hall. “But it was worth it, I guess, the place looks great.”

He didn’t take his eyes off me. Starting to feel nervous, I searched desperately for something to say. There is something, I guess now is as good of a time as any.

“Listen, um, I never really thanked you properly…for what you did for me.”
His brow knit as he questioned, “What do you mean?”
“The trip, and my parents and all that. You pushed me to go and now things are getting better. I mean, I think we could have worked things out eventually…but it wouldn’t have been for a long time. And ever since I came home, as silly as it sounds, I’ve felt…braver. I feel like I can do something, I don’t really know what yet, but something.”
His smile interrupted my thoughts and I realized I was starting to ramble.
“I guess I just want to say that…I’m grateful. And thanks for being there for me.”
He took a moment to answer,”I just want to see you happy.”

“Well, I am feeling pretty happy.”I said cheerily. “And you should know that you had a big hand in that.”
“Are you sure that’s not just the wine?”

“You!”Giggling and rolling my eyes I pushed at his chest. He responded by tightening his grip on my waist, pulling me a little closer than before.
“And where do you think you’re going?”
“Apparently nowhere, but seeing as the song is changing might I suggest we sit? This song is a little…energetic…for my taste.”
He scrunched up his face as the song changed, “Yeah okay”

We sat and talked for the rest of the evening, settling into the familiar ease of our conversation despite all the nerves I’d worked up all week.
Around the time Dermot and Enya made their exit, I was feeling pretty tired. I had to stay a bit to do some clean up, but it didn’t take long.
Hugh gave me a ride home, and walked me inside.

“I’m so tired.”I said through a yawn.
“You’ve been really busy this week.”

“Not to mention the champagne.”
“Sit down and I’ll get you some water”

I shuffled into the living room and stretched out on the couch.
—————————————–

I watched the water fill the cup and exhaled.
This is it. You got this. Just man the fuck up and say it.
Giving myself an encouraging nod, I turned and headed for the living room.

The sight that greeted me deflated the confidence I’d just built, though I couldn’t help but laugh at my luck. She’s asleep. Of course, why wouldn’t she be?

I set down the glass and fell onto the end of the couch, hoping slightly that it would wake her up. She didn’t stir.
“Oooh Nessie”, I groaned, leaning my head back on the couch. “Fuck it, I’ll say it anyway. I suppose if I say it once maybe it will be easier the next time, whenever that will be.”
I absentmindedly fiddled with the heel of her shoe.
“I wish that I didn’t have to leave tomorrow, but then I suppose if I hadn’t choked earlier in the week we wouldn’t be in this predicament, huh?
—————————————–

We glide across the dance floor, and I’m lost in his eyes. I’m vaguely aware of people around us but they fade away as we turn around and around, spinning our own universe, and we are the only two inhabitants.

“Nessie…” He whispers.
I can’t speak, but I beg him with my eyes to continue.
“…I really fucked it up.”

My eyes pop open.
What?

“I mean, why is it so hard for me to tell you I love you?”
My stomach clenched. What??
“First it’s me being an idiot, then it’s like all the forces of the universe have converged to prevent me. But, God, Nessie…”
This is still a dream, it must be. I bit the inside of my lip to test it.

“I love you.”
This isn’t a dream.
“But since you are asleep, I guess I’ll try again later…or tomorrow…or something.” He sighed and I felt him start to get up.

“Wait!” I cried, sitting up suddenly.
He stared at me as he settled back into the cushion,”How long were you awake?”

I shook my head dismissively, “…do you mean it? Really?” I was on my knees on the couch now, facing him.
He looked me straight in the eyes, “Yes.”
My head swam, tears stinging my eyes, I try to blink them back. I had been so nervous all week long and all the tension and emotion welled up inside me. A thousand questions tore through my mind, spiraling out of control. What happens now? How long have you felt this way? Do your parents know? Do I move in with you? Do we get married? What will our kids look like?

“Are you gonna say something?”He asked, a bit anxiously.
I snap back to the present. The tears escape and I nod my head, “I love you too, Hugh”

Without thinking I leaned in and placed my lips on his, but I quickly pulled my head back realizing I have no idea what I’m doing.

He smiled and grabbed my waist, pulling me onto his lap. “I think you owe me for tricking me into thinking you were asleep.”
“I was asleep!”I replied, laughing.”Your dirty sailor mouth is what woke me up”

He leaned forward. “You might come to appreciate this ‘dirty sailor’ mouth”
He kissed me softly and felt my body melting, then I was electrified when he sucked on my bottom lip.

I laced my hand into his hair as he deepened the kiss, exploring my mouth with his tongue. I did my best to mimic his actions when he receded his tongue, inviting me to reciprocate.

We came up for air and he shifted his body so that he was laying next to me, almost on top of me. He trailed kisses along my chin as his free hand glided down from my shoulder to my waist to my hips, causing a stirring deep inside my belly. As his hand curved around my butt, I pushed myself up against him.

“Wait, Hugh” I stopped him, pushing lightly at his chest.
This is too fast…too fast
He just looked at me, waiting.
“Uh…umm..I..I’m not ready…for this.”
He understood what I meant and nodded, “Of course.”

He laced his fingers with mine, pulling my hand up to his mouth. “We won’t do anything you don’t want to do.” He kissed my fingers.

“I’m sorry” I murmured.”For avoiding you this week. I was…I was afraid that I wouldn’t like what you were going to tell me.”

He embraced me, “I was kind of afraid of that too. But no, if I hadn’t acted the way I did you wouldn’t have felt like you needed to avoid me. So I should be the one apologizing.”

“If you insist.” I replied playfully.

The corner of his mouth tugged into a half smile as he drew me into a kiss. I tightened my grip on his shoulders, pulling my self tightly against him reveling in the warmth of his body. Our lips separated and he nuzzled my neck. He planted kisses slowly on my neck, working his way up until he reached just under my ear. I felt a chill run down my body as goosebumps raised on my skin. I laughed, “Hugh stop, that tickles.”

“Oh really?” His lips touched under my ear again.

It dawned on me what he was thinking. “No!” I squealed, throwing my hand up in an attempt to block access.

He restrained my free hand, burying his face in my neck. I laughed uncontrollable trying to squirm out of his grip.

“Hugh!!” I screamed, breathless. “No!!”

I did the only thing I could, pushing with my legs I tried to slide off the couch to the floor.

“Oh no you don’t!” He caught me, but was off balance so I pushed again with my legs against the couch causing him to concede and roll onto the floor.

I quickly pinned him, breathing heavily. “I….said….no…”

He laughed, “You are stronger than you look.”

My triumphant expression turned to surprise as he easily rolled me over, reversing our positions. I was ready to protest but I saw the look in his eyes had softened, and he caressed the side of my face with the back of his fingers. He drew his face closer to mine and I closed my eyes in anticipation.

“I love you.” He breathed against my lips just before making contact.

Hello!

I just wanted to say that I am back onto this story now. Right at this moment I am making poses and such so I can shoot some pictures. I do apologize for the long wait, but my heart wasn’t really in it and while Chapter 9 has been written for a while I had no idea how I was going to write Chapter 10. I wrote Chapter 10 last night though(and subsequent chapters have been mostly written and drafted for quite some time). 😀 So thank you for you patience with me.

In the meantime I played a LOT of my Walk of Life Challenge and am now in the fifth generation 😀

This is my heir, Luna, playing horseshoes with her man

Okay, back to Blender!!

❤

Apology for my absence

So sorry I haven’t posted the new chapter. I’ve been playing my other saves and also working on lots of poses and stuff. And to be perfectly honest, I have a lot of work to do for after this next chapter and I’m struggling just a little bit so that keeps my motivation down. I have all these ideas for later chapters, but i have to get through this to get to that…and I just need lightning to strike my brain.

Anyway, just wanted to touch base. 😀

Chapter 8: Intentions, Part 1

She spoke quickly, “I can’t today, I’m going to pick up my dress and..”

“I thought you did that Tuesday?”, I interrupted.

“No, I had the final fitting Tuesday. The seamstress had to adjust one last thing before the dress was ready for pickup.”

“Okay, so after that..”

“After that, me and Enya are meeting her mom for lunch and going to the venue to set up the rest of the decorations. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and tomorrow is just going to be crazy. Hair, makeup, pictures…”

“I’ll just catch up with you later then.”, I sighed. “Have a good time.”

“Ok, bye.”

This is fucking absurd!

I have been trying all week to get some time with her so I can make things right. Whatever that was that happened Sunday evening has been haunting me and I can’t even get a moment with her to talk about it…or apologize…or something. I don’t even really know what to say because I’m not even sure what happened.
One moment I was in control, ready to tell her how I feel. The next moment I was lost in the curves of her lips, wanting nothing more than to just… just grabbing her and kissing her wasn’t exactly how I planned for that to go…is that why I hesitated?

You fucking idiot.

That is a terrible reason if it’s true.

I headed out to the shore and cast my line, hoping that one of my favorite past-times would help clear my head.

The opposite happened as the events of the week flashed before me. I did get a chance to see her Wednesday afternoon. I went over under the pretense of working on her lawn, and it concerns me that I even needed that for her to agree to see me. Is she avoiding me?

“Thanks for doing that, it looks much better”

“Yeah, no problem. Hey listen..”

“Oh speaking of problems, you will not believe some of the stuff we have been dealing with this week. Like just yesterday Enya realized that the caterer had the time wrong! Can you imagine how horrible that would be if they showed up an hour late for the reception?”

All I could do was stare. It’s as if some sort of wedding demon has possessed her. It’s not even her wedding. And how the hell can there be so much to do in one week when you’ve had all summer to plan?

“…and I still have not written my speech. I really have no idea what to say. I plan to do that this evening. I think if I don’t do it tonight I might not get another chance.”

Tell me about it…

“I’m sure whatever you say will be fine. Nessie, I really want to..”
Interrupted again, this time it’s her phone.

“Hold on a second, sorry.”

“Oh my God, I told her there wouldn’t be enough! I told her they would run out of supplies for the favors but she insisted it would be fine. Now she wants me to go get more and drop them off.”

“And you have to do it right this second?”

“Well yeah, they are working on them right now and I can’t just bail on her.”

I can’t really be mad at her since she is just doing what she is supposed to do, I guess, being the maid of honor and all. I did this to myself.

Why is it so hard to just tell her?
The question burned in my mind. I’ve asked out girls before. What is the big deal?

I thought about Ava. It was easy to ask her out, she hardly gave me a choice. She practically threw herself at me, not that I minded at all. But we both knew what it was, we knew it wouldn’t last and that was fine.

Morida. It was instant attraction, hot and heavy. She wanted me to propose. I thought about it, but I just couldn’t see it happening. As time went on and no proposal came, she became increasingly upset. I remember the night I knew it was over. I had been checking in with Nessie and when I visited Morida afterwards she was having a fit over it.

“She is not your responsibility. You need to let go and move on with your life. You keep making excuses and I know they are because of her.” She said ‘her’ with such contempt.”You haven’t even gone to college yet…why? You can only take so many ‘gap’ years. It’s clear that you are stalling.”

She was right, I had been making excuses. After our breakup I enrolled in college. Nessie was able to take care of herself pretty well by then and it was time for me to make some progress in my life, but she was always in the back of my mind.
So what am I afraid of? It is obvious I can’t imagine life without her.

My phone buzzed, breaking me from my thoughts.
It’s Kilian. He lives in Riverview and was in the graduate program when I started and we had become good friends over the years.

“Hey”, I answered.

“So tell me, is it gonna be a double wedding tomorrow or what?”

“Definitely not.” I chuckled. “I haven’t even said anything yet.”

“What the…fuck, man!!”, He erupted. “It’s all you could fucking talk about and then you couldn’t even do it? I had to listen to your pining for months and just when I think you would end my suffering you puss out.”

I couldn’t help a laugh, “I wasn’t pining.”
I had only really talked about her a few times, Kilian has a flair for the dramatic.

“You were pining.”, he insisted. “Like a lovesick preteen girl. I feel like I already know this chick, you wouldn’t shut up about her.

So what happened?”

“I don’t know man, I kinda…freaked out and now everything is all weird. I mean, I had her right there and I just froze. I just- ” all the excuses I’d made swirled in my head and ultimately the truth revealed itself. “I couldn’t stand the thought of her saying no. She had been acting kinda strange anyway and it threw me off a little. I mean, if she says no then that’s it. It’s over. There is no way we could even be friends after something like that.”

Kilian sighed, “Man, you are thinking too much. I mean, what? Are you going to just be her friend forever then? I can tell you that she is sure as hell not gonna stay single forever. So then you are going to be this creepy pseudo-father figure who stares at her ass when nobody is looking.”

“Fuck you, Kilian!”, I joked.
He burst out laughing and I joined him. But he’s right, dammit.

It’s all or nothing.
——————————————-

That thought prevailed in my head as I took my seat next to my parents. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, tonight is the night.

I glanced around and started understand why the girls had been so busy this week, the place is transformed. And I’m pretty sure Enya invited the whole town.

I was reading a program absently when the music started up. Her mother, his father and step-mother, his mother and step-father; they all walked and took their seats.

I started feeling impatient. I appreciate the tradition of a wedding ceremony, but they can get really boring. Mostly, it’s just that this ceremony is- and has been all week- delaying me from what I want to do.

The music changed slightly and my breath caught in my chest as I caught sight of her midnight blue hair, pulled up to expose her neck.

The cut of the dress revealing her shoulders and back, the fabric clinging to her curves as she walked. I like her other dress, but I daresay I like this one better.

As she reached the front and turned to face the crowd, her eyes searched the floor and then the ceiling refusing to  acknowledge all the people watching her. I couldn’t look away. Finally her eyes scanned the audience and stopped on me, then immediately she averted her gaze while her cheeks flushed.

Like a magnet, her eyes met mine again. This time she didn’t look away. I smiled at her, she started to smile back.

Then someone stood up in front of me.

Mom tapped my shoulder, gesturing for me to stand. Enya was walking down the aisle with her father.

I stifled a laugh thinking about how I had completely forgotten about the bride. I glanced at Nessie and she saw my amusement and smiled, giving me an inquiring look.

I shook my head and she eyed me shrewdly.

As the wedding continued, my mind was occupied with how I would handle the evening. I’m not sure what I will say or how to begin, I’m just hoping the right words will come to me in the moment.

All I know is I have to tell her and there is no room for doubt, I have to commit to tonight being the night that our relationship is changed forever. For better or worse.